Answer to my little riddle? They don’t.
Let me explain. And okay, I guess I should clarify. Maybe I should say-Academics who consider themselves and are considered by others to be advocates of progressive political causes, frequently connected to issues of race and ethnicity, often do not say hello.
Almost every morning, I go running on the beautiful rail trail near my house. Sometimes with the dog, sometimes without, it’s one of my favorite parts of the day. There’s a group of us, really, who haunt the rail trail and see each other often. The former Football coach who I’ve seen walking on the trail for nearly 5 years. The two older women who bird watch. The nurse who runs after her night shift. We know each other, and while we don’t take a long time for conversation, we greet one another. We say hello. We smile.
Then, there’s her. A nationally known activist around issues of race relations, she teaches at one of the local colleges. She walks every morning with her muzzled dog. We’ve been introduced at a party. Her grandson and my son played soccer together. We have friends in common.
And yet, in all these years, not only does she not say hello, she doesn’t even look at me. Nothing. Not a smile. Not a nod. Okay, not true. One morning I was running with my dog, who was on leash and nowhere near hers, when she sniped “Get that dog away from me!” Nice, huh?
And she’s not the only one. There was my former neighbor, part of an academic family. For nearly 11 years, she knocked on my door every few months. No hello, just “sign this,” and a clipboard thrust at me.
She spoke to my husband and I only when there was an agenda, a protest to attend, or something she wanted us to donate to. Immigrant rights, Guantanamo, Local politics-these were the things that inspired her to reach out.
Otherwise, nothing. Well, with the exception of the time she said to me “The other neighbors have done such a nice job with their lawns. It’s a shame about yours.” (Keep in mind that at the time, we were renovating our house, had a 3-year-old, and had family who had just lost everything post-Katrina–something she might have known had she bothered to talk to us otherwise. The yard was not tops on our list.)
She passed away recently, and it may sound terrible to say it, but I had no inclination to attend her memorial service. Her obituary was long, documenting all of the activism she had done and the causes she had been involved with. While there are many things I would hope to have in my obituary, I’d really be content if it said, “She was kind to people and nice to her neighbors.”
Perhaps another example.
There’s the woman constantly festooned with buttons for one cause or another. Publically, she’s known for her work around issues of women’s equality, and support of progressive political candidates. Mysteriously, my name has landed on her mailing list for every political cause she is involved with, asking me for money frequently, and to attend this event or the other.
We have been introduced 6 or 7 times, attended some of the same parties, she shops in my store, and I know her children. Despite all of that, each time we see each other, she fails to recognize me, and cannot seem to say hello or even acknowledge me when we pass on the street. Other times, she is blatantly rude.
Let me explain why I find this so troubling, besides the obvious rudeness. To begin with, there is a fundamental disconnect between doing good-works for people and yet failing to treat the people in your own community with respect and kindness. I’m not asking for much. A simple hello will do. Am I crazy to think that it can’t be that hard?
In some ways, I think it’s because I don’t matter to these people. They don’t get Good Progressive points for saying hello to me.I don’t “count” in the same way as those poor unfortunates they are so good for helping. (Hope you’re catching the sarcasm there.)
But here’s my feeling-I think it undermines the very causes they are supporting. When my neighbor would come with yet another petition, my husband and I would roll our eyes. And that’s bad. She was supporting good things, most of the time things we agreed with. But because of how she approached us, or didn’t, it made us critical of everything and reluctant to be a part of anything she was affiliated with.
I also cannot help but wonder how these people are perceived in the very communities they claim to serve and support. Does their way of acting change in relation to who they are talking to? Do they seem less patronizing and caustic? Or, do the people they are “helping” roll their eyes too?
There is a couple who lives in the next town over, both academics. Both were involved in the Civil Rights Movement for years. They travel to various regions in Africa to do good works, they are part of the numerous protests that go on throughout our area, they “talk the talk.”
Recently, there was a contentious election in town. Arguments over the two main candidates were heated and it was divisive. This couple lives across the street from a family with a son who is their son’s best friend. And yet, because they did not share support of the same candidate, the couple would no longer speak to their neighbors. These were people who had fed their child, supported him at soccer games and in various best-friend ways throughout his childhood, and now didn’t count because of a difference of opinion over who should be Mayor!
They would not say hello on the street, and at one point, left an angry, vitriolic message on their neighbor’s voicemail, chastising their political choices and criticizing them for putting out a lawn sign.
Nothing about this makes sense to me. In our house, we teach our son to treat others with kindness. Yes, people make you angry and you will not and don’t have to like everyone. But, you must treat others with respect and more simply, have manners.
Is it a generational thing? I’m not sure, but most of these folks are older than me, 60s Generation radicals. At the same time, that doesn’t make sense to me because I know plenty of folks from that era who would be appalled at poor manners like these.
Maybe it’s a social skills issue. Or maybe it’s something else. I’m open to suggestion here. Any ideas?
At this point, when I pass that woman on the rail trail, I don’t even try. Instead, I look for my other buddies, knowing that I will check in with them, smile and nod, say hello, and enjoy my morning run.
